Oh, what a health club!
>A friend of mine sent this to me today. I have laughed myself sick over it.
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is
> something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who
> ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased
> a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
>
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high
> school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
> be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
> trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
> 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
> clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter
> seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> ________________________________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
> found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
> to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
> goddess – with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
> white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
> enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
> aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
> gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
> was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
> ________________________________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
> the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
> iron bar into the air then she
> put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding
> smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a
> whole new life for me.
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
> toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
> over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
> Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop.
> I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
> bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
> for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
> this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
>
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
> me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
> machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
> elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
> enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
> exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
> snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it
> took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
> not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another
> skinny bitch to find me.
>
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine –
> which I sank.
> _________ _ _____________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more
> than any human being has ever hated any other human being
> in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
> I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
> it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have
> any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor,
> don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs
> more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
> nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone
> softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
>
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
> grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
> today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the
> machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
> even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> hours of the Weather
> Channel.
>
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today
> so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
> also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will
> choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a
> hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
> he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Tags: exercise routine
